|Canada has had a Poet Laureate since 2002.
But they keep changing the honoree every couple of years... Could it be that the offerings they post seem tepid at best, and appear to have little, or less, of topical interest reflective of the life and times of real Canadians?
In response to overwhelming public pressure - and after lengthy auditions, and evaluations of submissions, from a variety of spurious sources, from across the country - we have finally made our selection for our very own Poet Laurier, he being of the strong view that the important people, places, and events of our time, should be properly memorialized for posterity, in a more artistic way than just another pedestrian column by the drudges in the press corpse...
To protect the bar where he hangs out, and pens his oeuvres, we will preserve his anonymity, as well as his modesty, however little there is of that...
With an election looming for the fall of 2009, we thought it's time to remind Canadians why they vote for politicians, and to give them something to sing and celebrate during this tedious national exercise...
CANADA ON THE WORLD STAGE
At the April 2009 G20 World Leader Summit Photo - Has anyone seen Steve? (Canada's Prime Minster Stephen Harper)
The gracious host, Prime Minister Gordon Brown of the UK, in the middle of the front rank, notices Steve has finally snuck in, and tries to lock eyes with him, to welcome him to the group.
But Steve as studiously avoid his gaze, as Angela avoids his...
One of life's most embarrassing moments forever frozen in time...
Who says Canada's Conservative Prime Minister is a nobody on the world stage?
Prime Minister Harper: "I'm sorry Mr. President to have kept you all waiting, but you know how it goes...
"I promise, it will never happen again."
Steve is very famous - some say notorious - in Canada, for his record of making promises all the time.
Three months later - At the July 2009 G8 World Summit - What a hoot! Anyone seen Steve? Let's take the picture anyway...
Ultimately - Better late than never Steve arrives, head bowed in shame, for failing to keep a promise to President Obama...
Singing Our History (Canada's Stirring Deeds in Song)
Our Poet Laurier feels Canadians are just not singing enough.
He believes it may be because they have nothing suitable to sing.
Luckily we have a Prime Minister who is willing to help in this regard, having provided the perfect material with his recent, highly publicized, foray on the world stage.
He made headlines around the globe when at the summit of the G20 top world leaders he missed the group photo opportunity. He was, otherwise occupied, guess where? The word quickly spread, at the Summit, and around the world. Well, c'mon, journalists have to write about something newsworthy.
The group of world leaders had to re form later so the photo could be retaken, with everyone present, a considerable headache when all other heads of state had already other plans for that time slot.
(Our media savvy Poet Laurier - helpful as always - opined, that a re-shoot hadn't really been necessary; they could easily have put in a Photoshop insert of a photo showing where the Canadian PM was busy at the time. Though he allowed, it being a "sitting" (sic) photo, it may have looked a bit odd since all other heads of state were standing...)
At the G8 summit, when the leaders, again, gathered for their pre-planned group photo - this couldn't be scripted in Hollywood - the Canadian Prime Minister was again - indisposed - and the photo op of top world leaders had to be re shot later.
The song mimics Steve's letter home to his wife Lorraine, trying to explain why he was embarrassing her with such headlines around the world.
When he returned to Canada he was suddenly thrown into another PR disaster, as a non-Catholic taking a communion wafer from a priest, just as the camera left him. The question about what he did with the wafer caused a major Canadian press flap.
Latterly pundits are saying the Prime Minister has finally, apparently resigned himself to seeing himself as little more than a shabby bit player in Canadian history.
Originally, storming on to the Canadian political stage as a religious zealot bent on reforming the Canadian Senate, mostly renowned as a cess pit for political crooks, creeps, and cronies, critics now say, he has, in fact appointed dozens of political groupies, groping further and deeper in the mire for candidates than any previous Prime Minister.
Canadians now at least know where the Prime Minister goes for inspiration. He admitted as much, when he said he was "closeted" with a staff member when he was "missing" at both his photo ops.
Steve’s Letter Home to Lorraine
"Not again!" said Obama, “Where’s Steve gone to?”
Sarkozy snickered, “What else is new!
"Encore, Steve est dans le loo.”
“Did he put it in his pocket or did he chew?”
But I had a secret that no one knew
That I chucked it down the loo
The atoms aren’t cracking; the economy’s slacking; the polls aren’t tracking; I’m afraid of a shellacking
The Taliban’s attacking, and Layton too
My credibility’s lacking, what else is new?
The Senate needs stacking, with more doo doo
Think I’ll skip to the loo
And I just don’t know what else to do
I just let the country sit and stew
And skip down to the loo.
"Whoa! Was that steak big...!"
Putting Alberta beef on the world stage...
|Canadian Foreign & Domestic Affairs & the Mainstream Media
According to many Canadians, nothing so became Saddam Hussein, in life, as his leaving it. The manner of his death left a lot of unanswered questions for many...
Belinda Stronach is, hands-down, Canada's most notorious "on and off" politician, who started life as a rich ?%$*&! who dated a sometime - actually more often than not - prominent (sic) Tory, Peter MacKay, then jumped from the Conservatives (out of power - good move), to the Liberals (they did not last any longer than a man dating Belinda - take that any way you like it...).
As Ralph Klein the conservative Premier of Alberta said - wickedly - about her feminine treachery: "She only had one Conservative bone in her body... and speaking of Peter MacKay!"
Pouting Peter was deep sixed by B - we mean after the split - along with his party. When the Conservatives suddenly got power PP was put in charge of Canada's foreign affairs, while B, now suddenly out of power, was left to handle local affairs, apparently with practiced ability, being named as the Chief Correspondent in a recent divorce action involving a famous hockey player whose stick (sic) handling ability she apparently admired. Right, coming up for air...
Hanged or Hung
The hands-on skills B seemed to possess, as a Chief Correspondent, impressed two other Chief Correspondents, these ones at the CBC, who immediately recruited her expertise on domestic affairs to pump up CBC TV's colour coverage, during the recent Liberal party convention, hoping to give their flaccid News Department the heads up, and attract the viewers - pronounced voyeurs in Newfoundland - it rarely seems to have these days...
So if Chief Correspondents Peter Mansbridge and Keith Boag are impressed by her "grip on things," well, that is good enough for our Poet Laurier...
|Why? Why? Why? Belinda!
(with apologies to Tom Jones)
Belinda Stronach, CBC media darling (ratings please), the celebrated First Lady of Vaughan, and famously renowned for a varied and seemingly bottomless appetite for hockey players, was recently cited in court papers as the Chief Correspondent in a divorce action by the wife of Tie Domi, another hockey player renowned for his stick (sic) handling ability, on the ice, and when he gets off, apparently, as well.
The First Lady of Vaughan
There was a young lady from Vaughan
Ode to a Hockey Player's Stick
On scoring Tie Domi was intent
Canadians, it was famously penned, have "too little history and too much geography," so most people were scattered across the country on farms, villages, and towns. There was lots of elbow room for everyone. With the growing concentration of people in cities and crowded urban centres, people are complaining - too many bodies, too close together...
When I was young, and in a crowd,
Now that I’m old, I’m far more bold
Though others close to me might smirk
|Our Gal Writers
Serious male journalists grouse that when their well runs dry they can't trot out their private lives, like Canada's gal scribes do, more and more, all the time, with asides about this or that sexual reminiscence from a past encounter... If men did it they would be called sexist, misogynist, or worse...
No serious guy journalist could ever write, as did Raunchy Rosie of Kandahar, after what must have been a disappointing trip to Afghanistan, of something as likely to happen about "as often as an Afghan warlord changes his underwear..."
Now Rosie, we're not doubting that your research, and field work, was thorough and to the point; just that, Rosie, that's too much information. Some of life's disappointments are best not put into print...
Gentlemen journalists would just never do it... Why can't the gal scribes be more ladylike? Or at least circumspect... when they've had a downer...
And Christie Blatchford, while waiting for her next propaganda assignment from her media bosses, reverts to publicizing her personal life, confessing, in one especially turbid revelation, that her bed is so lonely at night because not even her dog will sleep with her anymore...
But then, why not let them write about what they're good at?
Hey, ex-American? Margaret Wente thought the invasion of Iraq was just great, and she was more than a secret admirer of habitual arch criminal Conrad Black, from way back...
Then, suddenly, the war went bad; fellow warmonger Ignatieff recanted - sort of; the jury said Conrad was a multiple, big time crook...
Oooops! Time to change horses... Write about something we know...
It Just Ain't Fair
THE HOLY WAR...
HR McDonald in 1923.
Henry Burr was famed during World War I.
The Haydn Quartet 1902 were famed recording artists during the Boer War.
Canadian troops of the First Contingent sang this song in the Anglican cathedral in Quebec before boarding Sardinian in October, 1899.
In 2006 the Canadian Armed Forces, under the leadership of General "Killer" Hillier ("Our job is to be able to kill people"... "the detestable murderers and scumbags" - he was referring to the Muslims in Afghanistan - marched in, singing the song Canadians have always sung marching into war. (Clearly Hillier missed the huge contradiction in what he was saying. But then what general has ever been hired to think? He sang this song with gusto.)
But this time "Onward Christian Soldiers" had a deeper meaning. Previously Canadians had only fought mostly against Christians. This would be the first time the Canadian Forces were fighting against Muslims. It made them feel especially Christian. Because journalists like Rosie and Christie were always telling everybody how inferior these people were, in every way, this song had a special meaning and apparently was sung with more than customary passion. Needless to say Afghanistan morphed into sort of a "Holy War."
Which is why out of scores of Muslim nations in the world, making up 1.5 billion people, not a single one sent a single shooting soldier to join what was billed by the US and its white European Christian partners as an "international war against terror." And it is also why, out of 193 members of the United Nations only a half dozen have sent real contingents of shooting soldiers to join the George Bush initiated, US orchestrated "Coalition of the Willing," i.e. CWILLKILL (Coalition of the Willing to do the Killing.) And several of these are trying to get out...
All the NATO shooting troops in Afghanistan are Christian and white. All the victims they would kill, by the tens of thousands - to the obvious delight of General Hillier - were non-white, Muslim men, women, and children. Onward, Christian Soldiers...
The Essential Military Song
But you can't sing hymns all the time...
American bards have been writing war songs about Iraq and Afghanistan, but as is to be expected, however humorous they are, they are still typically American jingoism run amok...
Introspection is seemingly not to be found in the American lexicon...
Another way Canadians are different from Americans.
We commend the Canadian Poet Laurier for taking the time to harness his considerable poetical skills, to pen a most valuable, and decidedly Canadian, war song, which captures, so vividly, the viewpoint of the common Canadian soldier in Afghanistan.
We believe this work is a fine example of the best of the military song genre, as it has all the essential ingredients that have made the most successful oeuvres long outlive their creators, and the times whereof they speak...
Right the Poet Laurier explains the rationale behind a good military song.
Localisms - names, words, and places that reflect the times, local customs and situations
Bravado - putting the best face on a scary business...
Fear - the constant preoccupation of military men - and women, as confessed publicly, by Jessica Lynch - who are forced to go out into harm's way, day after day, after day...
Over preoccupation with personal matters such as cleanliness, underwear, bowel movements... sometimes the only things you have got to look forward to...
Sexual allusions - never far from the minds of many of these youngish boys whenever a babe wanders near...
Tourists at the Front - snide asides about journalists and other tourists making safe quickie tours while they are left holding the bag for the long term...
Names of the high and mighty - rarely seen on the front lines; they're never there when the shooting starts...
Growing and pervasive skepticism - questioning authority, the judgment of their political and military superiors, when grunts find the realities they face, are not what they were led to believe were true, at all...
Doom and gloom - how the hell did I get into this mess and how the hell will I get out, alive?
Self-criticism - does what we are doing really make sense, on any level?
Irreverence - thinking and saying, out loud, the unthinkable, the politically incorrect...
Subversion - doing stuff that flout the rules, any rules, like Lee Marvin's Dirty Dozen
Grudging respect for the abilities of their opponents - to help explain the obvious lack of success they see as things drag on and deteriorate, casualties grow, and victory seems increasingly elusive...
Momma - every military song worth its salt mentions Mother; after all she was the first one to get him into this mess... and, if worse comes to worse, will be the only one still remembering him, long after others have moved on... like, to other husbands...
Humour - when #%@&*% happens, and all else fails...
|Copyright Goldi Productions Ltd. - 2009|
Song of The Canadian Contingent
7 Our troops are here by Afghan desire, Tell...