Pension - Michael Ignatieff, as a parachute Member of Parliament, flown in from the United States, has not made a career of serving Canada or Canadians as an elected MP - he has never run for public office. He is therefore not in line for a pension for which he has to keep his seat for six years. If he loses an election before that time he will never get a pension. So that motivates his every waking thought. It would make him kind of sensitive about pushing too eagerly for an election all that quickly whatever other issues may be at stake...

"Hey, what's the rush? Only three more years to a fat government pension.."

Ignatieff is an American at heart, and in the brain, who lived there by choice for decades, instead of in Canada, and was strongly for the Iraq War and was also famously derided by human rights activists as far too in love with playing word games around his obvious love for a judicious amount of torture applied to deserving candidates....

Coalition with - Count Michael, being an ego of royal lineage, had a genetic aversion to sharing his title with anyone, let alone left wing human rights activists... who opposed his strongly held beliefs that for some deserving people, war and torture are human rights too... shared with the Prime Minister's ultra-right wing party in the government seats across the aisle...

"Another extremely good point Mr. Harper..."

He was jeered by other opposition parties because though he lambasted the budget as being perfectly awful - to play to the peanut galleries - he still voted for it, like the Liberals had done previously for 45 times.

Advice - When the press asked - in view of Ikky's multilevel criticisms of the governments budge - what the government should do instead to improve services to Canadians, he said it was not his job to give the government ideas - he was Leader of the Opposition and not going to give all his good ideas away so the PM could say the ideas were his...

Prop - Jack Layton, the Leader of the NDP - with the Bloc Quebecois, the only honest and principled parties left in the House - accused Ignatieff and the Liberals of just propping up the Government, which they have done for over 45 times in votes in the House.

"What kind of Leader of the Opposition are you?" Jack asked, "You're just a prop for the Conservatives."

"We're no prop," blustered Ignatieff, just before he voted the Liberal Party's 46th vote in favour of the Harper Conservatives.

Said Layton, "You're just a fig leaf" of an Opposition.

"If you don't shut up Jack, so help me, I'll... You keep making me look like I'm some kind of..."

Danny's Goofy Newfie Liberals - Danny is the Premier of Newfoundland and Labrador, Canada's poorest province. He, though a provincial politician and a Conservative like Prime Minister Harper, has been the strongest opponent of the federal government for the past two years, rivaling the NDP and Bloc federal parties with offering principled criticism backed up by force.

Claiming that Prime Minister Harper lied to him - he is one of many journalists, editors, etc., who openly call the PM a liar in public - demanded that Newfoundlanders vote for anybody but Conservatives in the October 2008 elections. They did and six Liberals were elected.

When their federal leader Michael Ignatieff ordered all Liberals to support the Conservatives again in the January 26, 2009 budget no confidence vote, Danny said "No," that Newfoundland Liberals should disobey Ignatieff, and vote "No Confidence" in the the Conservatives. Ignatieff had a bird, threatened them, then asked Harper to change the budget clause that infuriated the Newfoundlanders. Harper flipped the Count the bird. His leadership spurned by Newfie Liberals and the Prime Minister Ignatieff caved in and "gave his permission for the six Newfie Liberals to break ranks with all the other Liberals and vote against Harper."

Most Canadians see Danny Williams, though a provincial premier, as the real Leader of the Opposition in the Ottawa Parliament and in fact the Leader of the Federal Liberals as well, as he managed to pry six Liberal MPs out of Ignatieff's control. And he'll do it again....

Hi Teach - The poster boy of those who say, "Those who can do; those who can't teach" Ignatieff has only been a teacher, you know, yak, yak, yak, for wages. He had never run for public office of any kind, till he was brought to Canada by the upper class political back room boys of the Liberal Party..

Discipline - Like a teacher who fears he's losing respect or control he strikes out, banishing former leadership contenders Gerard Kennedy and Martha Hall Findlay, among others, from the front benches to the back rows with spite.

Account - Like a teacher he says he'll give report cards to the Conservatives and make them report what they've done, three times a year, just like teachers do.

"Fig," says an exasperated Conservative House Leader Jay Hill, "That's just stating the obvious. We report to the House what we do, and what we've done, every day. That's our job and has been our practice."

Postscript - No Michael Ignatieff's words in this article are not transcribed from his many writings about himself.

They are dramatized presentations by our Poet Laurier after trying to decipher what could possibly be in his mind after watching his antics in Parliament over the past year.

Sir Wilfrid Laurier - Canada's Finest Prime Minister

Laurier famously stated that: "The nineteenth century was the century of the United States. I think that we can claim that it is Canada that shall fill the twentieth century."

And so it did.

Canada's greatest Prime Minister, Sir Wilfrid Laurier made the Liberal Party a source of pride for Canadians of all races and creeds. His term of office from 1896 till 1911 firmly established, in the eyes of the world, the Canada of the 20th century, as a caring nation full of decent people.

Go to Sir Wilfrid Laurier

In the 21st century its been downhill full steam for his party - and for Canada in the eyes of the world - since then.

The new Blue colour scheme the Liberal Party of Canada is sporting lately, instead of its traditional Red, is explained below.

Believing it would be unfair to only give Canadian Conservatives something to sing about, and nothing for the Liberals, our Poet Laurier has decided to celebrate the career highlights of Canada's Liberal Leader, Michael Ignatieff, and has found a suitable melody from a song by one of Canada's finest folk song composers.

For non-Canadians our Poet Laurier offers a glossary of explanations for those who may not understand the finer points of Canadian political finesse.

The Idiot

- with melody and inspiration by Stan Rogers

Go Get Stan's help with the melody

         D                     A            Bm           G                   Bm
As a Liberal MP I’m still quite new, and somewhat in a fix
       G                 D                                               A
I’ve only just put in a year; for a pension I need six
       D                      A           Bm                G                         Bm
So you may say I make no sense, I’m an emperor with no clothes
 G              D                            A        D
So be it, if for a bit, I’m an idiot I suppose.

                G                         D                                     A         D
Though I bid farewell to the USA, there my heart will always be
                   G                    D          Bm                             A
Where the right to kill and torture folks, is what pleases me
   D                       A            Bm                   G                  Bm
I do regret those days are gone, but the memory fondly glows
           G                          D                          A        D
Where I was free, and at liberty, to be an idiot I suppose

Now a coalition with the NDP, that’s not my Liberal style
But I saw the light, t’was love at first sight, with the guy across the aisle
So through thick and thin, I’ll stick with him, as the bloom of love just grows
Though you may sneer, and say it’s queer, and I’m an idiot I suppose.

Bosom buddies... Hey, and why not?

You jeer that I’m in bed with Steve, which makes me some depressed
Cause cozying up is not a crime, when we’re both fully dressed.
Though I’ve bashed his budget up and down, from his head down to his toes
Which may appear, to some I fear, I’m an idiot I suppose.

We Liberals think that Harper’s great, that he’s doing just what we would
Which is why we’ve given him forty votes - whenever he said we should
It makes no sense to vote Steve down, when there’s nothing I oppose
Though on the face of it, it looks a bit, like I’m an idiot I suppose

"Very good point Mr. Harper... Couldn't have said it better myself... You're certainly the right man, in the right place, at the right time..."

It’s not my place to give advice, or tell Steve what to do
My only job here in the House, is just to "throw the shoe"
I’m quite content to watch the show, and sit in quiet repose
Though I’ll admit, I’ll look a bit, like an idiot I suppose.

Now Jack complains I’m just a prop, for sticking up for Steve,
And since I’ve not much new to say, look more than a bit naive
But I just can’t find his Achilles heel,  a thing I could oppose
So I’m a critical flop, and an eager prop, and an idiot I suppose.

It’s hard to cover what you ain’t got, a fig leaf’s not enough
To pretend you’re something you ain’t not, the act is awfully tough
So I’ll try to make do with pretence, and hope that nothing shows
In my nudity, that none will see, that I’m an idiot I suppose.

"Oh God, please help us on the Hill," I heard Danny Williams pray
I guess he’s right because I’ve got, nothing useful I can say
So Danny will hold Steve’s feet to the fire, while I sit in quiet repose
So I’ll guess I’ll pass, just mostly gas, and act the idiot I suppose

You know for years I preached in school, taught students right from wrong
And how much torture was allowed, on whom, and for how long
Alas those days are now long gone, still everybody knows
On the sum of it, I’m just unfit, quite the idiot I suppose.

As a disciplined Count I crack the whip, on those who were untrue
I’ve sent Gerard to the curtain wall, and Martha's back there too
I would have much preferred the rack, or a length of rubber hose
But that would seem, that I am mean, and an idiot I suppose.

Like a teacher sitting in a class, I’ll watch Steve like a hawk
And make him file report cards too, and not just idle talk
Jay Hill snorts “We do this anyway, as everybody knows”
But in my book, he’s tryin’ to make me look, like an idiot I suppose

I will sternly hold them to account, and every year or two
Make them tell the House just what they’ve done, that’s good for me and you
If they make the grade I’ll hand to each, a sticker star or rose
That I can lick, and then make stick, like an idiot I suppose.

Now I’ve often heard a wise man say, that those who can just do
And that those who can’t,  just go and teach, and somehow muddle through
As Liberal leader it serves me well, I just hope not too much shows
That as I sit, and act the twit, I’m an idiot I suppose.

For thirty years my brain was formed by my life in the USA
And at George Bush’s knee picked up, what I preach to you today
In America we’re the intellectual cream, while every Canuck knows
What I can't see, is that it's Dubbya and me, we’re idiots I suppose.

"Stop it! Stop it! I won't have you criticizing our American friends. A little torture can go a long way to keeping the world free from abuses of all sorts, like abuse of process, for starters, etc...."

"I take a dim view of decent people who think they can get somewhere by putting the country first..

"Look where it got Dion and Rae...

"Everyone knows nice guys finish last.

"No one who knows me can claim I plan to finish last...

Left former Liberal Leader Stéphane Dion and Liberal Leadership Contender Bob Rae, without doubt, widely considered to be two of the most decent people ever to devote a lifetime to the betterment of Canadian politics...

Both forced to make way, under heavy pressure from Liberal party bagmen, and the backroom operators, and big money men, who run the Canadian democracy... for the American import, who's as knowledgeable as anyone could be, who's spent over 30 years enjoying life outside Canada...

Poet Laurier's Prediction

We don't need the CBC's high priced Stronach, Coyne, Hébert, and Gregg for predictions. We asked the highly prescient Poet Laurier, whose track record at political predictions is considerably better than theirs, what he thinks will happen in Canadian politics over the next year.

Domestic - Harper will likely win a narrow majority in the next election, whenever that will be, as the Blue Liberals and Count Eggnatieff convince Canadians it's better to go with the devil you know, than the devil of whom you haven't got a clue, beyond egomania, and a liking for war and torture.

Foreign - After the election, Harper will completely reverse his public pronouncements on Afghanistan, and announce, in line with his private wishes and strategy all along, that the Canadian Government will keep the fighting Canadian Forces in Afghanistan beyond 2011.

The Poet Laurier had predicted this coming con job, two years ago, even before Harper publicly announced that "No ifs, and or buts, Canada is pulling out in 2011, and that's my final word on it," in September 2008.

Play the hostile, "anti-war" public for suckers with the sincerity angle, and establish yourself as a "man of principle" to end the war. (All the while of course, the Canadian Forces, were told to expand their shooting war, during this supposed "draw down" period.)

This allowed Harper to play the role - for a year or two - of honourable Peace Maker at home (while the Americans knew he was really a "killer" on the ground in Afghanistan), a super platform from which to announce that "after careful thought, on a matter of principle" he must regrettably, "of course," reverse his earlier promise, and commit the Canadian Forces to continue their shooting war beyond 2011.

God, world peace, his conscience, human rights, Afghan women and babies, safeguarding all the gains we've made, etc. demand it. While all along the only aim has ever been to please Bush and Cheney and their US business cronies.

It has always been a certainty that the Canadian Forces will remain in Afghanistan till hell freezes over, and continue to shoot and kill Afghan men, women, and children, but from now on in the guise of protecting Canadian aid workers and providing security for the Canada's Afghan reconstruction program.

The killing of Afghans by Canadian Forces will go on with unabated fury; the left hand will destroy so the right can create aid projects that funnel billions into the hands of government business cronies.

And the useless dying of young Canadians will go on, their bodies merely grease for the relentless Canadian business machine.

The only thing that will change is the rhetoric on the home front. "Our civilian aid workers in Afghanistan will be protected and we will even increase the number of Canada's Forces to ensure their security if need be." A great media cover for a blatantly racist enterprise. So look for an increase, not a decrease of Canadian shooting soldiers in Afghanistan in the next few years... To please the Americans.

So, long before Coyne, Stronach, Hébert, Gregg, and the mass media, our Poet Laurier knew exactly what the Prime Minister was going to do right from the start on this file - a total con job on the Canadian public, all the while continuing, full bore, the work of the Canadian Forces at killing more Afghans, men, women, and children. Not to mention countless more young Canadians. All of it entirely predictable... As corruption is, and not just in Afghanistan.

Finally - You read it here first. Barring an unforseen act of God, Michael Ignatieff will never become Prime Minister of Canada. He has written voluminously - analysis, please Dr. Phil - about how he is the product of screwing only of the very finest people - you know, Counts and such... Being Liberal Leader will give him his first chance at screwing common people. They're not going to take it lying down...

Red and Dead

  • The Liberals - once - were the Party Red
    For men who gave their lives, and bled
    For men of vision - once - who led
    And for Peace, and Social Justice, pled

    Now with the Blue they’re all in bed
    And shriek that Muslim blood be shed
    Their leader, an American, 'nuff said
    With war and torture in his head

    Of Laurier's Party? Not a shred...
    Their polling numbers drop like lead
    Their voting prospects, they must dread

    The Liberals Red, are dead, DEAD, DEAD

Quoted: Haroon Siddiqui - Toronto Star

"As for Canada, says Stewart, stick to the 2011 withdrawal date, despite pressure from the likes of Anders Fogh Rasmussen, the new secretary general of NATO.

Having done more than their share, and done so sincerely, unlike the Germans or the French, Canadians have done well to set the stage to "extricate themselves, while preserving their relationship with the U.S.

This is very impressive, something the British are very envious of. They'd like to do something like that themselves but they're terrified that they'd offend America," says Stewart.

"By and large, Canada has come out of this with more honour than most NATO countries."

And the strategy has worked. The "Canadian sincerity" has conned even the likes of Rory Stewart, Ignatieff's successor at the Carr Institute for War as Human Policy at Harvard. As quoted by Haroon Siddiqui, Toronto Star, Sept. 10, 2009 right.

Someone supposedly intellectual, like Stewart can't even see that the stage has been set for a master stroke of Realpolitik, that will have the Canadian Forces going back into Afghanistan, after 2011, side by side with the US cavalry, guns blazing.

Which explains, of course, why Stewart is only a professor in an ivory tower, blathering on, instead of a working politician of the Free World.

Check back in a year, and then see why our Poet Laurier, not Stewart, should be running the Harvard think tank.

As for "honour" of any kind coming out of Afghanistan, Stewart again goes off the deep end, vying for the title of "idiot" with his predecessor at Harvard. Idiocy is an incurable disease that afflicts anyone going to work in the US. (Stewart is British born; Ignatieff Canadian.)

We'll let Arnold Schwarzenegger, the quintessential champion for US honour, have the final word here. When he left an action zone he had just "brought justice to," he was asked whether he had left anything.

"Only bodies," replied the archetypal American gunman, in his best smirking style.

Of such gunplay is American and Canadian "honour" built... Iraq and Afghanistan overseas; Columbine, Waco, Virginia Tech, at home...

Lord Help Us All - Canada's answer to Zsa Zsa Gabor's royalist husband, Prince Frederic von Anhalt (you know, who said he was the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, and who, latterly, police found naked, hand-cuffed to the steering wheel of his Rolls, he claims, by three women kidnappers), is Michael Ignatieff, he of lordly mien, and, like the Prince, also a scion of similar royal stock.

He is also Canada's most famous and influential warmonger, a habit he picked up and cultivated by spending most of his life in US intellectual (read George Bush) circles, to whom he famously provided the intellectual (we're serious here) rationale for the invasion and destruction of Iraq, the Bushite race war against the Muslims generally, in Afghanistan, Lebanon and Palestine, and the raison d'être for torture palaces in Gitmo, Abu Ghraib, and various extra-legal CIA camps in eastern Europe.

(He and David Frum are Canadians who have famously gone out of their way to help Americans in aiding and abetting their race wars against Muslims.)

Quid pro quo, they, in turn, praised Eggy, repeatedly, as being a renowned human rights advocate (we're serious here too). White guys can still get away with this in the 21st century...

Ignatieff is, of course, the ultimate bad end result of the "tourist school of journalism," the shabby practice whereby news organizations try to give instant credibility to what they say by fabricating a patina of truth over their propaganda by simply dispatching TV news anchors, or journalists, to foreign locations, so trying to pass them off as reliable experts, solely because they were there. And you were not!

This school of thinking has a long and noble pedigree. Ignatieff got the idea from CNN, ABC, NBC, and CBS, who got it from Uncle Freddy and...

You know, like Uncle Freddy, who used to vacation in Florida, and came back as an instant expert on Hispanic illegal aliens; or Auntie Harriet who visited the pyramids in Egypt, and forever after became an expert on Arabs; or Cousin Flossie going on a week long Caribbean cruise and, ever since, passing herself off as an authority on Grenada, Tobago, and Trinidad.

Sure they're serious; you've all heard them talk when they return... and for years after... They're every bit as serious as the journalists doing the same beat...

Listening to them, you begin to realize that they are at least as well informed as Michael Ignatieff (oh and let's throw in Rosie d, and Christie B) who reportedly, saw some Kurds one day, some Serbs another, and got to see some Arabs later. And then wrote tons of "stuff..."

Ignatieff was the consummate put-down artist of the "I was there and you were not! I saw it, so it is true," school of intellectualism, which led him to advocate, and promote, the devastating war against the Muslims of Iraq, and squelch, dismissively - from long practice with his embarrassingly underachieving and overweight brother - any opposition to his appetite for war and torture as the preferred human rights tools for dealing with Muslims.

It is as un-Canadian a system of values that, that alone, is reason enough not to give him back his citizenship...

Ah... sorry, or have we got him mixed up with another ex-patriot who also wants to come back to Canada to spend his declining years, the corpulent Lord Diddley of Squat?

So difficult to tell these fading royalist pretenders apart...

Luckily, they open their mouths quite frequently, making it obvious to anyone within earshot...

"Yep, without a doubt, definitely not Canadians... Eh?

A Cautionary Fable

Now children, there once was a man, who lived in a country, far, far away, a Count Eggnatieff, said to be of Royal lineage... (That, children, was a phrase invented by people of high standing, but with low morals, like Queens, Princess Di, and Anna Nicole Smith, to shut up people who were always asking their children, "Who's Your Daddy?")

Now, when he was an old man he grew tired of only being Count Egghead - his nickname used by his fawning courtiers because they thought he was oh, so smart - so one day he decided to go back to the land that he once lived in, a long, long time ago, because he suddenly decided that he wanted to be King...

But the people there had never heard of him; and what they heard they did not like... So the Count and his Major Dumbo - that, children, means right handy man - hatched a plot to make him King. They sent out political bagmen to order the chief town criers throughout the land - this was easy because there were only three or four left who could speak - to try to tell the people who he really was, and all the wonderful things he had done - of course in far away lands...

The town criers dutifully shouted from the rooftops - so that everybody could hear - what a wonderful, wonderful King he would make. But it didn't help; people got so sick of hearing it, over, and over, and OVER again...

The people were too wise, and didn't believe the town criers any more than the Count; they knew that the town criers and their scribes could only say what they were paid to say. So they liked the Count even less.

They suspected he, and the town criers, were just trying to fool everybody, to make them believe that he would make a Wise Old King. But the people could see he was really only a Silly Old Fart, who liked war and torture a bit too much for their liking.

Why he sounded exactly like an American, and they very well knew, no matter how loudly the town criers shouted, that you cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear... or a Canadian out of an American... (You know, children, like Margaret Wente...)

The strain of the plot began to show. The Count, who had been so mean - when he was young - that he ordered his fat and ugly brother never to speak to him when other people in the palace were watching, could see his plan was not working, and day after day, his face just became meaner and meaner...

On the day the people were to make their choice they could see the Count's face was even meaner than usual. They could tell that he knew he had failed to fool them...

Instead, they picked for their King, one of their own kind, a man who had lived his whole life working among them, a man they could trust - a man with a kind face, a warm heart, and a nice dog. Who loved his family and pet - not sneered at them or kicked them when they were down.

They chose a Canadian Man of the People, instead of a Foreign Pretender of Royal Lineage...

Count Eggnatieff

Count Eggnatieff sniggered in tall,
Count Eggnatieff had a great fall,
All the Liberal bagmen, conniving in vain,
Couldn’t put Eggy together again.

But Liberal bagmen won't stay down,
Keep on plotting sunup to sundown;
Find a way to show Dion the door,
And scrape the slimy Eggy up off the floor...

We apologize for this, we assure you, only momentary hiccup in Canadian party politics, a brief nod to what passes for democracy in Canada. The bagmen are regrouping, as we speak (since Dion won the nomination), to sidestep the unruly rank and file members of the Liberal Party who thought they were part of a democratic process (laugh track here from Prime Minister Harper) - he would never allow this to happen in his party. Have patience all you Royalists out there, Michael will be King; just a little later than planned... (Jan. 2007)

As our Poet Laurier had predicted, Dion, who was legitimately elected by the Party in an open vote, was later dumped by a sleazy back room deal, and Count Eggnatieff was made Liberal Leader in his place, without having to go through any election process of any kind with Liberal voters, or having to submit to a leadership campaign of any kind. Pressure was put on other leadership hopefuls, privately - Eggy is an acknowledged supporter of the judicious use of torture - to perish the thought. The Liberals shamelessly copied this leader selecting technique from the Sudan, or was it Yemen?


Poetry Page 1

Great Canadian Poetry

The Great Canadian Poet Laurier's Page - Poems 1

1 2 3 4 5 6
Canada has had a Poet Laureate since 2002.

But they keep changing the honoree every couple of years... Could it be that the offerings they post seem tepid at best, and appear to have little, or less, of topical interest reflective of the life and times of real Canadians?

In response to overwhelming public pressure - and after lengthy auditions, and evaluations of submissions, from a variety of spurious sources, from across the country - we have finally made our selection for our very own Poet Laurier, he being of the strong view that the important people, places, and events of our time, should be properly memorialized for posterity, in a more artistic way than just another pedestrian column by the drudges in the press corpse...

We hope that the Poet Laurier's Page, will, from time to time, publish his poetic and private musings - his take on our nation's ludicracies performed with such aplomb by the passing parade of perfumed and pompadoured pompousasses...

To protect the bar where he hangs out, and pens his oeuvres, we will preserve his anonymity, as well as his modesty, however little there is of that...

With an election looming for the fall of 2009, we thought it's time to remind Canadians why they vote for politicians, and to give them something to sing and celebrate during this tedious national exercise...

All song and poetry featured on our pages has been completely cleared by the National Board of Censors as entirely suitable for reciting or singing in front of an audience of any age or sex.


At the April 2009 G20 World Leader Summit Photo - Has anyone seen Steve? (Canada's Prime Minster Stephen Harper)
He's missing in his prescribed spot, beside German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

One hour later, Steve has just sidled in, but German Chancellor Angela Merkel studiously refuses to look at his shoe...

The gracious host, Prime Minister Gordon Brown of the UK, in the middle of the front rank, notices Steve has finally snuck in, and tries to lock eyes with him, to welcome him to the group.

But Steve as studiously avoid his gaze, as Angela avoids his...

One of life's most embarrassing moments forever frozen in time...

Who says Canada's Conservative Prime Minister is a nobody on the world stage?

President Obama:
"We feel for you Steve... Glad you finally could make it."

Prime Minister Harper: "I'm sorry Mr. President to have kept you all waiting, but you know how it goes...

"I promise, it will never happen again."

Steve is very famous - some say notorious - in Canada, for his record of making promises all the time.



Three months later - At the July 2009 G8 World Summit - What a hoot! Anyone seen Steve? Let's take the picture anyway...

Ultimately - Better late than never Steve arrives, head bowed in shame, for failing to keep a promise to President Obama...

Singing Our History (Canada's Stirring Deeds in Song)

"Some day it'll happen to you!"

Our Poet Laurier feels Canadians are just not singing enough.

He believes it may be because they have nothing suitable to sing.

Luckily we have a Prime Minister who is willing to help in this regard, having provided the perfect material with his recent, highly publicized, foray on the world stage.

He made headlines around the globe when at the summit of the G20 top world leaders he missed the group photo opportunity. He was, otherwise occupied, guess where? The word quickly spread, at the Summit, and around the world. Well, c'mon, journalists have to write about something newsworthy.

The group of world leaders had to re form later so the photo could be retaken, with everyone present, a considerable headache when all other heads of state had already other plans for that time slot.

(Our media savvy Poet Laurier - helpful as always - opined, that a re-shoot hadn't really been necessary; they could easily have put in a Photoshop insert of a photo showing where the Canadian PM was busy at the time. Though he allowed, it being a "sitting" (sic) photo, it may have looked a bit odd since all other heads of state were standing...)

At the G8 summit, when the leaders, again, gathered for their pre-planned group photo - this couldn't be scripted in Hollywood - the Canadian Prime Minister was again - indisposed - and the photo op of top world leaders had to be re shot later.

The song mimics Steve's letter home to his wife Lorraine, trying to explain why he was embarrassing her with such headlines around the world.

When he returned to Canada he was suddenly thrown into another PR disaster, as a non-Catholic taking a communion wafer from a priest, just as the camera left him. The question about what he did with the wafer caused a major Canadian press flap.

Latterly pundits are saying the Prime Minister has finally, apparently resigned himself to seeing himself as little more than a shabby bit player in Canadian history.

Originally, storming on to the Canadian political stage as a religious zealot bent on reforming the Canadian Senate, mostly renowned as a cess pit for political crooks, creeps, and cronies, critics now say, he has, in fact appointed dozens of political groupies, groping further and deeper in the mire for candidates than any previous Prime Minister.

Canadians now at least know where the Prime Minister goes for inspiration. He admitted as much, when he said he was "closeted" with a staff member when he was "missing" at both his photo ops.

"Finally worked it out!"

Steve’s Letter Home to Lorraine
Skip to the Loo

This song can be best sung to the folk song "Skip to My Lou" and needs no more talent to sing than it does to run Canada.

  1. Well I’ve been to the G20’s London "do"
    Where I missed that photo op it’s true
    When everyone asked, "Where’s Steve gone to?"
    Well of course I was in the loo

    Loo, loo, I skipped to the loo
    Couldn’t say no, ‘cause I just had to
    It just took longer than I planned to
    When I went to the loo, my darling

  2. When I finally joined the big to-do
    World leaders shook their heads anew
    They sternly looked down at my shoe
    At what I dragged from the loo

    (This verse for women's voices only)
  3. Now Stevie didn't your mommie teach you
    To plan your movements, when you have "to"
    And for goodness sake, look at your shoe
    When you come from the loo, my darling?

    "Sorry Ma!"

  4. At the G8 summit, a repeat; oh poo!
    "Not again!" said Obama, “Where’s Steve gone to?”
    Sarkozy snickered, “What else is new!
    "Encore, Steve est dans le loo.”

  5. With the communion wafer, the scandal grew
    “Did he put it in his pocket or did he chew?”
    But I had a secret that no one knew
    That I chucked it down the loo

  6. (Spoken Rapidly)
    The atoms aren’t cracking; the economy’s slacking; the polls aren’t tracking; I’m afraid of a shellacking
    (Resume Singing)
    The Taliban’s attacking, and Layton too
    My credibility’s lacking, what else is new?
    The Senate needs stacking, with more doo doo
    Think I’ll skip to the loo

  7. Now when I’m down and feeling blue
    And I just don’t know what else to do
    I just let the country sit and stew
    And skip down to the loo.

"Whoa! Was that steak big...!"

Putting Alberta beef on the world stage...

Canadian Foreign & Domestic Affairs & the Mainstream Media

According to many Canadians, nothing so became Saddam Hussein, in life, as his leaving it. The manner of his death left a lot of unanswered questions for many...

PP - "The only Conservative bone," commiserating with his dog, after being dumped by B for the fourth - or is it the fifth? - hockey player.

Belinda Stronach is, hands-down, Canada's most notorious "on and off" politician, who started life as a rich ?%$*&! who dated a sometime - actually more often than not - prominent (sic) Tory, Peter MacKay, then jumped from the Conservatives (out of power - good move), to the Liberals (they did not last any longer than a man dating Belinda - take that any way you like it...).

As Ralph Klein the conservative Premier of Alberta said - wickedly - about her feminine treachery: "She only had one Conservative bone in her body... and speaking of Peter MacKay!"

Pouting Peter was deep sixed by B - we mean after the split - along with his party. When the Conservatives suddenly got power PP was put in charge of Canada's foreign affairs, while B, now suddenly out of power, was left to handle local affairs, apparently with practiced ability, being named as the Chief Correspondent in a recent divorce action involving a famous hockey player whose stick (sic) handling ability she apparently admired. Right, coming up for air...

Hanged or Hung

  1. Saddam Hussein, was he hanged or hung?
    I always mix up the two.
    My wife corrects me constantly,
    Now I'm not sure which is true...

  2. "Men are hanged, and meat is hung,"
    Her voice rings in my ear;
    Still whenever I want to write it
    The difference isn't clear.

  3. It's an aggravating problem,
    I seem to be kinda inta
    So are men really hanged or hung?
    I think I'll ask Belinda...

The hands-on skills B seemed to possess, as a Chief Correspondent, impressed two other Chief Correspondents, these ones at the CBC, who immediately recruited her expertise on domestic affairs to pump up CBC TV's colour coverage, during the recent Liberal party convention, hoping to give their flaccid News Department the heads up, and attract the viewers - pronounced voyeurs in Newfoundland - it rarely seems to have these days...

So if Chief Correspondents Peter Mansbridge and Keith Boag are impressed by her "grip on things," well, that is good enough for our Poet Laurier...

Why? Why? Why? Belinda!
(with apologies to Tom Jones)

Belinda Stronach, CBC media darling (ratings please), the celebrated First Lady of Vaughan, and famously renowned for a varied and seemingly bottomless appetite for hockey players, was recently cited in court papers as the Chief Correspondent in a divorce action by the wife of Tie Domi, another hockey player renowned for his stick (sic) handling ability, on the ice, and when he gets off, apparently, as well.

The First Lady of Vaughan

There was a young lady from Vaughan
Whose mouth was agape in a yawn...
Till Tie Domi, with a grin
Stick handled right in
And stayed there from dusk until dawn...

Ode to a Hockey Player's Stick

On scoring Tie Domi was intent
Till his stick got a permanent bent
When Belinda yelled “More!”
He shot for the door
So instead of coming he went.


Canadians, it was famously penned, have "too little history and too much geography," so most people were scattered across the country on farms, villages, and towns. There was lots of elbow room for everyone. With the growing concentration of people in cities and crowded urban centres, people are complaining - too many bodies, too close together...

Public Pressure

When I was young, and in a crowd,
And overcome with gas
I tried to hide, and look aside
And hope the ague would pass...

Now that I’m old, I’m far more bold
With far more common sense
I lift my chin, and sport a grin
And flaunt my flatulence...

Though others close to me might smirk
And shake disapproving jowls
I take great pride that while they’re uptight
There’s movement in my bowels...

Our Gal Writers

Serious male journalists grouse that when their well runs dry they can't trot out their private lives, like Canada's gal scribes do, more and more, all the time, with asides about this or that sexual reminiscence from a past encounter... If men did it they would be called sexist, misogynist, or worse...

No serious guy journalist could ever write, as did Raunchy Rosie of Kandahar, after what must have been a disappointing trip to Afghanistan, of something as likely to happen about "as often as an Afghan warlord changes his underwear..."

Now Rosie, we're not doubting that your research, and field work, was thorough and to the point; just that, Rosie, that's too much information. Some of life's disappointments are best not put into print...

Gentlemen journalists would just never do it... Why can't the gal scribes be more ladylike? Or at least circumspect... when they've had a downer...

And Christie Blatchford, while waiting for her next propaganda assignment from her media bosses, reverts to publicizing her personal life, confessing, in one especially turbid revelation, that her bed is so lonely at night because not even her dog will sleep with her anymore...

But then, why not let them write about what they're good at?

Hey, ex-American? Margaret Wente thought the invasion of Iraq was just great, and she was more than a secret admirer of habitual arch criminal Conrad Black, from way back...

Then, suddenly, the war went bad; fellow warmonger Ignatieff recanted - sort of; the jury said Conrad was a multiple, big time crook...

Oooops! Time to change horses... Write about something we know...

It Just Ain't Fair

  1. Now Margaret Wente's passing gas
    Her columns certainly prove it;
    She's been so backed up for many years
    Thank God she's found a way to move it.

  2. Like other female scribes these days,
    When of writer's block she's frettin'
    She just trots out her personal tales
    Of sex that she ain't gettin'

  3. We read her spouse stays at the farm
    Where he spends his time a rootin'
    And comes home just too tuckered out
    To do much rooty-tootin'

  4. Of course we're reading between the lines
    But we know meal times are tough;
    While Margaret has to help herself
    Belinda's getting stuffed

  5. We hope for Margaret, and wish her well
    That the relationship's not on the rocks,
    Cause now we read the desperate gal
    Is injecting with Botox...

  6. We caution Maggie about this thrust
    If shooting Botox's now a must
    To promote some simple homemade lust;
    What's next... injections in the bust?

  7. Or if you're glancing down behind,
    Towards a lift you're now inclined,
    For a magic bullet you seek to find
    There's none!
    The sag's in your mind, not your behind....


HR McDonald in 1923.

Henry Burr was famed during World War I.

The Haydn Quartet 1902 were famed recording artists during the Boer War.

Canadian troops of the First Contingent sang this song in the Anglican cathedral in Quebec before boarding Sardinian in October, 1899.

In 2006 the Canadian Armed Forces, under the leadership of General "Killer" Hillier ("Our job is to be able to kill people"... "the detestable murderers and scumbags" - he was referring to the Muslims in Afghanistan - marched in, singing the song Canadians have always sung marching into war. (Clearly Hillier missed the huge contradiction in what he was saying. But then what general has ever been hired to think? He sang this song with gusto.)

But this time "Onward Christian Soldiers" had a deeper meaning. Previously Canadians had only fought mostly against Christians. This would be the first time the Canadian Forces were fighting against Muslims. It made them feel especially Christian. Because journalists like Rosie and Christie were always telling everybody how inferior these people were, in every way, this song had a special meaning and apparently was sung with more than customary passion. Needless to say Afghanistan morphed into sort of a "Holy War."

Which is why out of scores of Muslim nations in the world, making up 1.5 billion people, not a single one sent a single shooting soldier to join what was billed by the US and its white European Christian partners as an "international war against terror." And it is also why, out of 193 members of the United Nations only a half dozen have sent real contingents of shooting soldiers to join the George Bush initiated, US orchestrated "Coalition of the Willing," i.e. CWILLKILL (Coalition of the Willing to do the Killing.) And several of these are trying to get out...

All the NATO shooting troops in Afghanistan are Christian and white. All the victims they would kill, by the tens of thousands - to the obvious delight of General Hillier - were non-white, Muslim men, women, and children. Onward, Christian Soldiers...

The Essential Military Song

But you can't sing hymns all the time...

American bards have been writing war songs about Iraq and Afghanistan, but as is to be expected, however humorous they are, they are still typically American jingoism run amok...

Introspection is seemingly not to be found in the American lexicon...

Another way Canadians are different from Americans.

We commend the Canadian Poet Laurier for taking the time to harness his considerable poetical skills, to pen a most valuable, and decidedly Canadian, war song, which captures, so vividly, the viewpoint of the common Canadian soldier in Afghanistan.

We believe this work is a fine example of the best of the military song genre, as it has all the essential ingredients that have made the most successful oeuvres long outlive their creators, and the times whereof they speak...

Right the Poet Laurier explains the rationale behind a good military song.

Localisms - names, words, and places that reflect the times, local customs and situations

Bravado - putting the best face on a scary business...

Fear - the constant preoccupation of military men - and women, as confessed publicly, by Jessica Lynch - who are forced to go out into harm's way, day after day, after day...

Over preoccupation with personal matters such as cleanliness, underwear, bowel movements... sometimes the only things you have got to look forward to...

Sexual allusions - never far from the minds of many of these youngish boys whenever a babe wanders near...

Tourists at the Front - snide asides about journalists and other tourists making safe quickie tours while they are left holding the bag for the long term...

Names of the high and mighty - rarely seen on the front lines; they're never there when the shooting starts...

Growing and pervasive skepticism - questioning authority, the judgment of their political and military superiors, when grunts find the realities they face, are not what they were led to believe were true, at all...

Doom and gloom - how the hell did I get into this mess and how the hell will I get out, alive?

Self-criticism - does what we are doing really make sense, on any level?

Irreverence - thinking and saying, out loud, the unthinkable, the politically incorrect...

Subversion - doing stuff that flout the rules, any rules, like Lee Marvin's Dirty Dozen

Grudging respect for the abilities of their opponents - to help explain the obvious lack of success they see as things drag on and deteriorate, casualties grow, and victory seems increasingly elusive...

Momma - every military song worth its salt mentions Mother; after all she was the first one to get him into this mess... and, if worse comes to worse, will be the only one still remembering him, long after others have moved on... like, to other husbands...

Humour - when #%@&*% happens, and all else fails...

Courtesy of The Canadian Anglo-Boer War Museum
Copyright Goldi Productions Ltd. - 2009

Song of The Canadian Contingent
in Afghanistan

Dedicated to
Afghan War Cheerleaders Supreme
Rosie d & Christie B,
for whatever cheer they spread
whenever they're embedded
with the grunts...


It is a tradition, when a nation's men are at war, that bards and scribes create poetry and songs that reflect the true feelings of the common soldiers about the patriotic work they do on behalf of everyman. In homage to this long tradition, our Poet Laurier offers this oeuvre in Honour of the Canadian Contingent in Afghanistan, where, we're told, it is already being sung with gusto to the tune of The Banana Boat Song.

(mournfully & hopefully)
INT  Day oh, day oh, Taliban's comin' an' I wanna go home
        Pray oh, Pray oh, pray Mr. Harper please let us come home

(allegro con brio)
1 We kill them Taliban by the score (lead voice)
       Tell my momma that I wanna go home... (choral group)
Now we only got kill a million more
       Please Mr Harper won't you let us come home...

2 When darkness comes we all take fright, shhhh
            Whisper to my momma that I wanna go home
Cause the Taliban's sneaking 'round at night, shhhh
            Please Mr Harper won't you let us come home

3 Is Bin Laden here? Is Bin Laden there?
            Tell my momma that I wanna go home
That damn Osama's got us running scared
            Please Mr Harper won't you let us come home

CH     Come Mr. Taliban, tell me where's Osama?
          Where's he hiding we just wanna know?
          There's nothing here that's left for us to bomb-ah
          Our work's done and we wanna go home
          Day oh, day oh, Taliban's comin' an' I wanna go home
           Pray oh, Pray oh, pray Mr. Harper please let us come home

4 We searched all day and we searched all night, Tell...
That damn Osama's got our bowels up tight, Please...

5 We're ordered to check all beards on sight, Tell...
So we're liftin burkas left and right, Please...

6 I recently checked my underwear, Tell...
Just to see if Osama was hiding there, Please...

    Come Mr. Taliban, tell me where's Osama?
          Where's he hiding we just wanna know?
          There's nothing here that's left for us to bomb-ah
          Our work's done and we wanna go home
          Day oh, day oh, Taliban's comin' an' I wanna go home
           Pray oh, Pray oh, pray Mr. Harper please let us come home

7 Our troops are here by Afghan desire, Tell...
Which is why we're behind these miles of wire, Please...

8 Believe me Afghanistan ain't no fun, Tell...
It's dust, and dirt, and all-day runs, Please...

9 Yesterday we got a change of underwear, Tell...
I changed with Bill, and Jane with Pierre, Please...


10 They sent us here to build a nation, Tell...
But all we build up is constipation, Please...

The politicians just come here for show, Tell...
Then they hightail it back to Ontario, Please...

12 Those journalist babes are easy all right, Tell...
When we tell 'em we may die tomorrow night, Please...


13 I wish I could write some notes of cheer, Tell...
But we've nothing left we can knock down here, Please...

14 We say reconstruction is why we're here, Tell...
But its really destruction that gives us cheer, Please...

Sure we spent 10 million to build a town, Tell...
But we spent one billion to blow it down, Please...


16 General Hillier promised us a killing spree, Tell...
But we thought it was supposed to be them not me, Please... 

17 To our guns and tanks let's raise our hat, Tell...
Cause they've pretty well knocked the country flat, Please...

18 General Hillier claims Osama's not ten feet high, Tell...
But our troops here know that that's a lie (follow quickly with)
And his is a legend that will never die, Please...
    Come Mr. Taliban, you can keep Osama
          Please stop your shootin' so we can go
          There's nothing here that's left for us to bomb-ah
          Our work's done and we wanna go home
          Day oh, day oh, tell my momma that I wanna go home
           Pray oh, Pray oh! (SHOUTED) We beg you Mr. Harper
           Please let us come home...



Go to Canadian Sheet Music